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BREAKING NEWS:
Petunia Perk last seen alive in cyberspace.
Farrago Tabloid's search commences.
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Also in this newspaper:
LEAVE ALL YOUR PETUNIA PERK
LEADS HERE:
Old issues of the Farrago Tabloid will eventually get piled up somewhere in the local library.
ASSIST WITH OUR SEARCH:
MRS. PERK MAY NOW BE LISTENING TO:
WEATHER:
Cape Town, South Africa.
UNDERCOVER INFORMERS:
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TV BLOG SCHEDULE:
Breakfast Blog TV
Midmorning Blog Features
Lunchtime Blog Shows:
Afternoon Blog Breakaways
Prime Time BlogTV
Late Night Blog Shows
NOW FEATURING:
(Monday 29/07/2002)
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RETRACTION:
After examining the evidence, Farrago Tabloid would like to rectract the story it ran about cosmonauts finding mice on mars. Farrago Tabloid apologises for any inconvenience this may cause.
(Wednesday 31/07/2002)
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FARRAGO CORRESPONDENT
CAPE TOWN Mrs. Petunia Perk (74) has been missing since the first Saturday in October of 2001. Mr. Patrick Perk (82) confidentially informed the Farrago Tabloid that he last saw her on that fateful Saturday morning when she claimed that she was going to the local Internet café to order their weekly groceries from Woolworths. They allegedly had a disagreement that morning as Mr. Perk felt that they should rather wait until July 2002 when Spar would join Woolworths and Pick'nPay online. Mr. Perk had apparently always been partial to Spar products. Mr. Perk also informed Farrago Tabloid that he always suspected that Mrs. Perk's surfing habits were not always honourable and that she might have taken off with a young Internet geek. Farrago Tabloid has taken it upon themselves to search far and wide to determine the current whereabouts of Petunia Perk. If anyone can shed further light on where Mrs. Perk can be found, please contact Farrago Tabloid without hesitation.
(Sunday 28/07/2002)
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:
Dear Editor,
I saw Mrs. Perk washing dirty glasses in Seoul. There are a heap of glasses there, but Mrs. Perk appears to be quite efficient. You will have to move quickly.
Bashful
Dear Bashful,
We rushed off to Seoul, just to hear that she had left Seoul to wipe coffee stains off a website in yet another Internet café.
The Editor
(Sunday 28/07/2002)
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Dear Editor,
We believe that we spotted Mrs. Perk scrounging in the trash for an old can of spam. We also heard that she was enquiring after a take-away food timeline. We suspect you might be able to find her somewhere near food.
Noodles
Dear Noodles,
We are very worried about Mrs. Perk's well-being. If you do manage to find her before we do, please try and lure her to the red kitchen to find out what's cooking. The kind people there will provide her with eats and drinks.
The Editor
(Sunday 28/07/2002)
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MRS. PETUNIA PERK WANTS TO KNOW:
(It would appear that Mrs. Perk is not shy.)
(Tuesday 30/07/2002)
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Mrs. Perk was last seen in the company of a prolific quoter of the man pictured here.
(Wednesday 31/07/2002)
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Petunia Perk (left) was last seen surfing the Internet at the Virtual Turtle Internet Café in Gardens, Cape Town.
(Sunday 28/07/2002)
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MORE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR:
Dear Editor,
I think I may have seen Petunia Perk fumbling through some GooFresh and Gigablast searches to see whether Mr. Perk was trying to track her down. Do I get an award now if you find Mrs. Perk?
Anonymous Tipper
Dear Anonymous Tipper,
Thank you for the tip. If this is the tip that leads us to Mrs. Perk, you could be in line to receive an award.
The Editor
(Sunday 28/07/2002)
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Patrick Perk in perpetual persuit of
Petunia Perk
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Dear Editor,
I saw Mrs. Petunia Perk eating wakame with the backs of paintbrushes. We found her behaviour rather peculiar and decided to let you know about this immediately.
Sushi
Dear Sushi,
Thank you for the information. We were going to rush after Mrs. Perk, but could not stomach the thought of the airline food.
The Editor
(Sunday 28/07/2002)
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(Wednesday 31/07/2002)
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URGENT UPDATE:
We understand that Mrs. Perk is helping Yoga drink Amstels while helping with the move of Yoga's "stuff" to MT. Yoga, can you please send Mrs. Perk back home. Mr. Perk will be ever so grateful!
(Friday 02/08/2002)
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Mrs. Perk was seen yesterday at a very rare Leonard Cohen concert.
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DEMORACY
CANADA: It's coming through a hole in the air, from those nights in Tiananmen Square. It's coming from the feel that this ain't exactly real, or it's real, but it ain't exactly there. From the wars against disorder, from the sirens night and day, from the fires of the homeless, from the ashes of the gay: Democracy is coming to the U.S.A. It's coming through a crack in the wall; on a visionary flood of alcohol; from the staggering account of the Sermon on the Mount which I don't pretend to understand at all. It's coming from the silence on the dock of the bay, from the brave, the bold, the battered heart of Chevrolet: Democracy is coming to the U.S.A. It's coming from the sorrow in the street, the holy places where the races meet; from the homicidal bitchin' that goes down in every kitchen to determine who will serve and who will eat. From the wells of disappointment where the women kneel to pray for the grace of God in the desert here and the desert far away: Democracy is coming to the U.S.A. Sail on, sail on O mighty Ship of State! To the Shores of Need Past the Reefs of Greed Through the Squalls of Hate Sail on, sail on, sail on, sail on. It's coming to America first, the cradle of the best and of the worst. It's here they got the range and the machinery for change and it's here they got the spiritual thirst. It's here the family's broken and it's here the lonely say that the heart has got to open in a fundamental way: Democracy is coming to the U.S.A. It's coming from the women and the men. O baby, we'll be making love again. We'll be going down so deep the river's going to weep, and the mountain's going to shout Amen! It's coming like the tidal flood beneath the lunar sway, imperial, mysterious, in amorous array: Democracy is coming to the U.S.A. Sail on, sail on ... I'm sentimental, if you know what I mean I love the country but I can't stand the scene. And I'm neither left or right I'm just staying home tonight, getting lost in that hopeless little screen. But I'm stubborn as those garbage bags that Time cannot decay, I'm junk but I'm still holding up this little wild bouquet: Democracy is coming to the U.S.A. ~~Leonard Cohen
(Friday 02/08/2002)
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FARRAGO: n. (pl. -s or US -es) medley, hotchpotch.
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©2002 FARRAGO TABLOID, and all that.
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